Some thoughts on past friendships

I haven't posted in forever but tonight I have some things on my mind so I'm back!

I think that different people come into your life at different times for different reasons. Most of the time, the relationship will fade with time. Maybe you'll have a falling out. Or, maybe you'll just find yourself at a crossroads and heading in separate directions which is totally OK. It sucks, but you realize that the person was in your life for only a season, and probably for some very important reason, but that time is up, and you both will move on. The memories you made will stick with you forever. Sometimes people will have such an impact on your life that you can point back to a time when you experienced a pivotal life moment because of that person--for better or for worse. Sometimes the moving on is gradual and sometimes it's sudden. Sometimes you are ready to move onto to newer things without that person and sometimes you strive to hold onto it, try to force the separation not to happen, attempt to redefine the relationship into something that works for both parties in hopes that you can salvage something of the relationship but wind up grieving because you realized that things have changed, they've moved on, or maybe you have, and you just know that things will never be the same again.

Maybe I've reached a point where I'm just rambling, but this makes all too much sense in my mind and hopefully I'm not the only person who has ever experienced this.

My first experiences with this that I can recall was beginning high school. My classmates and I were really close in middle school and I just knew that when we merged with 2 other schools in high school that we would stick together. In the beginning some of us really tried but we were in a new place and had different class schedules for the first time. We all began to find ourselves, which led us in all different directions. I wished things could stay the same but I knew they couldn't. It was for the best, too. I met some new people and made some new friends too. A couple of these friends are now my true soul mate bffs--we keep in touch as much as possible and remain a large part of each others' lives.

Graduating from high school was my next "crossroad" experience. I knew I would miss some of my friends but I was moreso excited about my future endeavors. It was time for me to branch out, meet new people and learn even more about myself--create myself even.

Some great things happened in college and, after a rough awkward start, making friends became easier than ever. I think maybe because in college you realize you only have four years, and you become much more OK with expanding your horizons and making friends with people who are completely different from you. It's a major part of the college learning experience, or at least it should be. I truly felt in college that the friends I was making would be my true bffs--emphasis on the second f (the forever). This expectation made the weeks after graduation extremely difficult. Several of my friends were engaged and got married the summer after graduation and most of them moved away. We all started our careers or went on to graduate school or whatever. The point is we all scattered across the country and began our next phase of life--our first adult phase, which is completely different from college life. It was no longer "cool" to be poor; wear bluejeans, tees and rainbows everyday. I couldn't rely so heavily on leaving home with wet hair, a hat or a ponytail. I no longer lived within 2 miles of every one of my best friends. I couldn't stay up late doing random things like late night waffle house runs, movie marathons, game nights or intramurals. I really struggled in the beginning of this new phase of life, but with some time, I realized that it's just another part of growing up, and eventually I got used to the post-college life.

But besides these obvious turning points in life (middle school, high school and college graduations), some relationships fail for no reason and with no warning at all sometimes. There is no huge life event to signal a change or even merit one. Sometimes it just happens and it sucks. But perhaps what sucks more is when you realize that you are just over it. You're done. You no longer care that the relationship ran its course and the greatness you had will no longer exist ever again with that person. You realize that you don't care anymore because the truth is it hurts too much to allow yourself to care. That person didn't return the efforts to salvage any small part of the relationship. You wonder if they ever think of you, the good times you had, what you may be up to now. If they do, they have not shown it for whatever reason, and that just hurts too much to realize. So you give up too and you try not to think on the memories and you cut off all communication because you know that things will never be the same again. And that is when it really sucks the most--when you realize you just don't care anymore that you've moved on and they've moved on because that's when you know you've closed your heart off to the possibility of that relationship ever reforming. You play nice when you see them out in public but you really just wish you hadn't seen them at all. It sucks the most because you've given up on someone who used to be so important to you.

And it's times like I'm in right now when the reality of what you've done because of what they've done hits you that you are happy that they've moved on and are happy, and you are happy that you have moved on and are happy, but you hate how much they've hurt you without meaning to and without even knowing it. You get that thought in your head to send them an email or call them up, but you know it your heart that it's better to keep moving forward because if they don't reach back when you reach out again, it's just a reminder that you can never go back, and then it just hurts again. You get frustrated and angry at yourself and at the other person when neither party really did anything wrong.

Is there a solution to this problem? Am I just struggling with forward motion? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Do I chalk it all up to "that's life" and everyone goes though this? All I know is it sucks either way--the caring about it and the apathy about it.